Getting Ready

I'm not sure if it is the morphine that is causing Mr. Indi to go off the deep end - OR - has the cancer reached his brain? Either way, he has become almost incoherent and is starting to hallucinate. It is very scary.

I feel that he is beginning to walk through that last door.

Please don't call today. I have turned the phone off and will be sitting with John. I don't want to talk.

The picture was taken last August at the Mission at San Gabriel. Mr. Indi is holding the flower for me as I snap.

In The Pink!

This picture is one that I took yesterday of a beautiful pink flowering tree that is growing just down the road from my house. It is a huge tree and really stands out in the neighborhood. I posted a pic of the same tree last year - on a forum - I think. And, some kind lady in Oz or NZ gave me the name but I didn't write it down so am now back in the dark! But, it is still as lovely as ever.

The sprinkler man and his sprinkler helper came and got everything working up to snuff. They changed 4 of the anti-syphon valves and adjusted everything else. The sprinkler man assures me that, within two weeks, my lawn will be lush and green and void of any brown areas. Hahaha! Silly man! Mr. Indi and I have been here for 21 years trying to make the lawn lush and green - my flabber will be gasted if the sprinkler man can perform this miracle!

Well, the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Denver Nuggets and now move on to the final of the NBA Championship - I send my heartfelt condolences to my Denver buddy (psssst - the BEST team won!) I personally don't give a rat's bum about basketball and the sooner it is over the better. Then we can get down to the serious business of watching baseball - while drinking beer! Plus we have some serious tennis coming up and I bet it will look super on my big screen telly.

Both me and him had a terrible night and I shall probably be a grumpy old woman all day today. I lay awake most of the night - listening - listening - listening. I was expecting to hear the oxygen machine go on at any moment - but it didn't - just the cranking noise as he raised and lowered his bed. Trying to get comfy - I s'pose. The grey weather will not improve my mood either. It has been very gloomy for a couple of days and yesterday, we even had a few claps of thunder. Most strange.

Oh well - I'll soldier on. Here comes another day at the coal face!

Thump-Thump...Thump-Thump

The oxygen machine is helping Mr. Indi feel better - but it sure gets on my nerves! When I first had it running, I could hear this thump-thump and I was certain that it was the teenagers next door playing basketball in the back yard - (Basketball fever is in abundance in LA - it's the Lakers versus the Denver Nuggets in the semis - AND ask me if I care!)

So, it's a good thing that I didn't hop around the fence and tell the kids to knock it off with the thump-thump because when I bent over to give Mr. Indi a big sloppy kiss from another member of his fan club, I realized it was the oxygen machine - beating like a heart - or a basketball!

The pill man eventually showed up - at 4:30 in the afternoon and - guess what! He brought the same WRONG pills as he brought before! Arggg! I called the pharmacy and the silly moo on the other end of the phone told me that they sent the wrong ones (again) because they don't have any of the right ones! Oh - OK! Makes sense - NOT! I have now been to our local drug store and purchased the correct pills. How difficult can it be?

As I said, his Lordship is feeling better since he has been having oxygen but his confusion is not any better. This morning, for instance, he asked me to take his temperature so that they can release him from the hospital! Errrrr!

I got the garage door fixed yesterday. The poor old thing is about 18 years old and has been limping along for a couple of years - the motor finally seized up a few weeks ago and the rollers came off one of the rails last week. We couldn't get the door to close all the way - and while I'm not worried about burglars (there's nothing here worth having!) I didn't want a skunk or possum getting in the garage and setting up house. Anyhow, this nice garage door man fiddled about - tweaked this and that - sprayed everything with WD-40 - and VIOLA! It works. He did say that it is nearing the end of its life - Boo-Hoo - but he will help me keep it going for as long as he can. A new garage door and motor will cost about $1,200 - Horrors!

Today, the sprinkler man is coming - more money down the drain! or onto the lawn - as the case may be! But, I must get these jobs done because, as I discovered last week, I don't know diddly-squat about sprinkler systems (or garage doors!) Cor! I do miss Mr. Indi's handyman talents.

Today's pic is of a daisy. I took the pic on macro and then played around with the effects in PSP. I like it.

Shoveling it Against the Tide!

First, a big hug and thank you to my buddy who drove up from San Diego to see us on Monday. It was a nice visit xxxxxx

Yesterday, Mr. Indi had a bit of a nasty spell of breathlessness and gave me quite a scare. I think it may have been an anxiety attack so I gave him a Valium and that did seem to help. I called the nurse and she said she would order oxygen ASAP. The oxygen man showed up at about 4 p.m. which I suppose is as S as P - considering.

The oxygen machine is a new fangled device that actually takes in the air from the room and filters it and pumps out the oxygen into the tubing and up the nose - the man couldn't tell me what happened to the other gases - nitrogen, etc. I imagine they are being pumped into my bedroom! I am to hook his Lordship up to the oxygen whenever he starts to feel short of breath.

So, I was up and at it early this morning because I had an appointment to go and get my spiky hair re-spiked. Mr. Indi seemed OK but a bit sleepy so I gave him breakfast and before I left, I put a note on the door for "The Woman What Does" for her to start skivvying and have a look in on his Regal Highness - I would be back in less than an hour. As it happened, Nursie stopped by at about the same time as "Her What Does" and Mr. Indi had another attack of labored breathing! Argggggggghhhh! Nursie didn't give him a Valium - she gave him a big dose of morphine and put him on the oxygen machine. So, by the time I got back from having the lawnmower run over my head, Mr. Indi was out of it! And, I mean gone - whacked out - deep in the Land of Nod. It is now noon and he still can't keep his eyes open for more than 2 minutes at a time. ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz!

I think that things are not going to get any better. When Blanca came at 10 a.m. to give him his bath (It's been like Grand Central Station here this morning!) she noticed that his feet are getting very swollen and a couple of his toes are purple - not a good sign. Oh dear! What to do - what to do? I can see where the morphine provides great comfort for the patient - but it makes me a nervous wreck. I need to go to the drug store - and the gas station, but am afraid to leave the house while Mr. Indi is out of it.

There is another reason why I can't leave the house - Grrrrrr! I'm waiting for the "pill man" (The hospice pharmacy delivery person) He came the other day and brought the wrong type of laxative - he assured me that it was a good sub for the usual laxative that Mr. Indi uses. WELL, I beg to bloody well differ! It was sooooooooooooooooo good that we went through 10 diapers in one day! ARGGGGG. So - he is supposed to be bringing the right poopy pills out today. But when? I called the pharmacy and asked for an ETA but they couldn't tell me because the poopy pill man could not be reached by radio! Grrrrr. Probably sitting in a bar somewhere drinking his lunch - or maybe he had to use the bathroom! Haha - serve him right!

The pic is of a beautiful hollyhock growing in my next door neighbors weed patch that she calls a garden.

Flowers and Thoughts

I know that you must leave me

And I dread that coming day

But I want you to be peaceful

And rest without pain and fear

To lie in that bed for endless hours

And be a prisoner of that dreadful disease

That has crawled up your back

And into the very life giving marrow of your spine

Is a cruelty that is not deserved

I want to scoop you up in my arms

And take you for a ride

To see the waves breaking on the beach

Or the flowers blooming in the park

But it won't happen

You will take your drugs and sleep tonight

I will lie and listen to you breath

And hope that tonight is not the night

When you must leave

And A Good Time Was........

We had a little get together for Mr. Indi's birthday and he really enjoyed himself. I managed to get him out of bed using the Hoya lift - even though I had the sling all wonky and he had one leg dangling in mid-air and the other leg stuck up under his chin - and safely into the wheelchair. It was a special treat for him to be able to sit in the living room for a couple of hours because he usually gets chronic back pain after about 15 minutes of sitting upright - but this time he stayed pain free for most of the time and was able to enjoy his visitors.

His friend from work bought him six bottles of Russian beer! Real Russian beer. The beer is numbered from 0 to 5 - 0 being non-alcohol to 5 being a bit like vodka! I tried a few sips myself and found it to be a bit like swamp water - but, I suppose if we ever run out of brewskis, the Russian brew will do! He also received the most fabulous chocolate covered strawberries that I have ever seen - 6 of them dipped in dark chocolate and 6 dipped in white chocolate. I feel like this is cruel and unusual punishment as people ought to know that I can't eat the rotten things!

After a couple of hours of too much merriment, I was able to get him back in the bed - even though the sling was still wonky and stuck halfway up his bum! He sure was glad to be able to lie down and enjoy a nice cup of tea with apple pie and ice cream - Yummy.

I think he had a nice day and today will be wearing one of the super comic book tee shirts that he got as a pressie. I think Batman would be good for a holiday Monday!

My next post will be a poem that I wrote the other night.

For Judy xxxx

My pal, Judy, is a Brummie - and, therefore she gets her own page on my blog!

I took the picture this afternoon at our little park just down the road from my house - you can see my van in the parking lot. This particular jacaranda tree is a young one and the blooms are a bit small - I will try and take some better pics in the near future. Down in the next town, they have some very mature jacarandas and the whole streets are lined with purple trees - an amazing sight! Of course, there are those people who complain about the fact that the trees shed their blossoms and make a mess on the sidewalk. Those people need to get a life!

Now, to answer your questions re: San Fran in September. Well, I worked in San Fran for 6 years and I have to say that September and October are the best times of the year. The morning fog burns off very early and the days are beautiful. The temps are usually between 65F and 75F (18C to 23 C) although I have known it be much warmer. Bring a jacket because it can get chilly in the evening. San Fran is a very free and easy city - so there is no dress code! Wear what you like - jeans, shorts, skirts - whatever.

Now, where to go and what to visit - EVERYTHING. Fisherman's Wharf is great - very tourista but wonderful seafood and a great atmosphere. Take a cruise on the bay - cheap and fun. Go across the Golden Gate Bridge to Sausalito - so pretty and with a fantastic view of the city (San Fran is one of the most beautiful cities in the world) Go to the top of the Bank of America building - 52 floors up! Ride a cable car down California St. Fabulous. Go to John Muir Woods and walk among the redwood trees - heaven.

What to wear for the wedding - whatever you want. Not too many people wear hats to weddings in California - although I have seen it done. If you have a nice titfer - wear it! For a day time wedding wear a pretty dress or nice 2 piece suit - for an evening affair wear a cocktail dress - even full length is OK. We don't have all the silly rules that they have in the UK - before 5 this and after 5 that - blah blah! LOL!

If you have some time left over - hop on a plane and come to Los Angeles and see us. Air fares are dead cheap right now. We have a spare couch or two - and lots of Baileys and a few bottles of beer. I would love the company!

I hope you like the picture.

Love and hugs xxxxxxx

p.s. Mr. Indi is very loopy today - I want some of what he is taking! Hahaha!

I'm Not Waving - I'm Drowning!

For those of you that don't recognize the title of my blog today - It's part of a poem by Stevie Smith - and that is how I feel! Some days, the pressure and responsibility of taking care of a very sick husband becomes overwhelming - but - then I face another day and find the strength to carry on. (I'm not trying to be a martyr - I'm just telling you how it is. Maybe one day, I will run out of strength and things will change.)

Since he has been taking the anti-b's for his urinary tract infection, he has really started to go loopy! I think it must be the mixture of all of the drugs together. At 9 o'clock this morning, he sounded like a bloke who had been on the tiles all night! He was talking such a load of nonsense and laughing at such silly things! Oh, dear! He has also started to lose more of his motor movements and has trouble eating a bowl of cereal because of the shaking in his hands. Makes me want to cry.

He has developed a very nasty sore on his bum from sitting on the bed pan. I think I will have to go and buy a stainless steel one - the plastic one is just too hard. Anyway, Blanca came today and told him - NO MORE BEDPAN! - that sore could turn horrible. So it is now a matter of diapers and bum wipes. Ah! Such is life.

But - today wasn't all bad. We finally sorted out the big mess we have had with our mortgage company. We sent a payment in too early and they applied it to the previous month. They then charged us a late charge for the month that we had sent the payment in for! Grrrrr! What a bloody performance! But, it is now all sorted and hopefully our next statement will be correct.

The weather has been lovely - and the cactii are blooming. I snapped these two yesterday morning - I LOVE the pink ones - so delicate. Tomorrow, I shall go to the park and take some shots of the jacaranda trees for my friend, Judy. They are just coming into bloom and the purple hue is delicious!

FRUIT TREE!

Just a quick post - I have been very busy today - things to do - people to meet.

Mr. Indi had a nice birthday - he LOVES his Da Vinci book - and has spent quite a bit of time looking at some of the incredible drawings. Da Vinci was an amazing man.

I had to go to the docs today - but in having a chat with her, I have received some good advice - including - what has happened, has happened - and what is going to happen is inevitable - move on. I'm going to try and stick to that - although taking care of my dying husband of 27 years ain't easy!

The picture is of a lovely creation of fresh fruit from a store called - Edible Creations. It was sent to Mr. Indi from my son and his wife - and I must say that the fruit is absolutely delish. What a lovely idea - an edible bouquet! It is full of melon and grapes and strawberries and pineapple - and all so yummy.

Kathy stopped by with a bouquet of birthday balloons for his Lordship and she helped me water the back yard - we also tried to fix the sprinklers but we don't have a clue what we are doing! I'm going to have to call a sprinkler expert - now! where do I find one?

Thank you to everyone for their birthday wishes for John.

xxxxxx

And Another Year Bites The Dust!

Today is John's 59th birthday and I hope you all like his card as much as he did - I would say that he wet his pants laughing BUT that isn't exactly true! He filled up his bag laughing!

We have nothing planned today - except for a visit from his older brother. Big bro will bring lunch for the two of them and I will get the chance to either sit in the garden and try to read my book (I fall asleep after 2 pages every night!) or go to the park with my camera and snap the jacaranda trees. We will have a little gathering on Sunday afternoon and anyone and everyone is invited to stop by for apple pie and ice cream - the front door will be open.

I had a terrible night due to Mr. Indi and his fiddling about. He dropped his backscratcher on the floor at 12:30 a.m. and then I could hear him messing about with his claw grabber gizmo trying to pick it up. I should have got out of my nice comfy bed and gone and retrieved it for him but then I thought - that will teach him not to have the backscratcher in the bed! But, I regretted my decision because, ten minutes later, after he had grabbed the bloody backscratcher - he went to turn the lamp out on the side table and knocked it onto the floor! ARGGGG! I dived out of bed - ran into his room and gave him a right going over. After that - silence!

Yesterday, I interviewed a woman for the position of part time carer. She seems perfect and will start next Tuesday. She is an older Mexican lady who works in an elder-care facility on weekends. She is very familiar with bed pans and diapers. As my friend, Sybil said, "She's qualified in poopology." (Or words to that effect!) She also will prepare meals and do light housework. Her English is a little shaky but she understands it better than she speaks it - if you know what I mean. Anyway - we will give her a go.

Nursie spent quite a bit of time with his Lordship yesterday and at last gave in to my premise that John has a bladder infection. She called the doc's office and got the OK to order him a 7 day course of anti-b's. I can already see a difference in his wee-wee today - much clearer. I should have been a nurse - No Thanks! She also ordered him some steroid type of cream for his rash - and that seems to help as he was much more comfortable last night - except when he was knocking stuff over!

A couple of notes:

A big 'Thank You" to Anon for the link to the pictures of Reading Crem. Much appreciated.

Ta everso to Grannie for the cute B'day ecard that you sent for his Lordship - I have forwarded it to his works computer. He will get a kick out of it. xxxxx

Knock Me Down With a Feather!

So, I was in the kitchen, unpacking the groceries, when I saw this Fed-Ex van pull up outside and a bloke hopped out carrying a large - very posh looking - box. Well, I wasn't expecting anything and his Lordship usually tells me if he's been spending money on the internet - so I was a bit more than flabbergasted when I saw that the box contained beautiful flowers and a lovely glass vase - see pic above!

The flowers are from my lovely friends Jan and Tony in Wales. Jan and I are in the same boat - and up Sh*ts Creek without a paddle! Tony, her handsome hubby, is disabled and requires constant care - just like Mr. Indi. So, we have lots in common but we also both have a good sense of humor - part of our coping skills require a good giggle now and again. I love you, Jan!

I took the flowers outside this morning to catch a picture of them in the early morning sun. They are stunning and the freesias smell devine. I soon bought them back into the living room though as it is already very warm and threatens to reach 100F today - Argggg!

Mr. Indi was not at all well yesterday - but looks and feels much better today. The rash on his back has started to fade and I am wondering if he had a dose of some strange lurgi! It's most odd. Anyhow, he told me that he was up in the night, sweating bullets and feeling as sick as a dog - but after an hour or so - it all faded away and he slept well for the rest of the night. Hmmm!

I spent part of yesterday afternoon, looking for a B'day present for his Lordship. He wants a book on the tinkerings of Leonardo Da Vinci (Don't ask me why!) I found the perfect book but it was very expensive and is rather large - more like a coffee table book. Anyway, I hope he likes it. If not, I shall bash him up the side of the head with it! I also got him the funniest B'day card that I have ever seen. I shall scan it and post it after he has seen it on Tuesday.

I'm off to the import store today - need tea bags and can't abide by those orange pekoe rubbish bags that they sell at the supermarket. Got to get some of my fave - Bryan's Irish Tea. Bloody lovely!

Cheesed!

Yes - today I am cheesed beyond belief!

Mr. Indi had a terrible night - and this morning his tube from his bladder to his catheter was full of bubbles and foam. It looked as though he had hooked himself up to a keg of Budweiser! I called the hospice service and the nurse called back 2 hours later - he could have been dead - but wasn't! She had never heard of such a thing and said she would be right out to check on it.

In talking to Mr. Indi - the master tinkerer of the universe - it appears that the tube had become loose a few days ago and he had use epoxy glue to stop it from slipping! AHHHHHHH! What kind of nice gentleman (doofus) would try to fix his catheter with epoxy!

Anyhow, Nursie changed his catheter tube and his urine now looks clear - no foaming or bubbling. However - I don't think things are right and will not sleep well again tonight.

The rash is still there - and thank you Anon for your note re: morphine allergy. But, in talking to the nurse and the nurses aide - they both are sure that it is heat rash. It is quite warm here and he is lying on his back all day and causing moisture from sweat. I am coating him in calamine and baby powder - he smells like a baby's bum - and this seems to be helping. The nurse will be back on Monday and will assess the situation.

Now, another thing that has really got up my goat! On an internet board - to do with genealogy - I had asked if someone could please take a picture of the Garden of Remembrance where my daughter's ashes were strewn. I wanted the picture for her birthday - May 8th. A person offered to do this for me and asked for my email addy to send the photo. May 8th came and went - the photo never came. If you can't do it - don't offer. It causes people to cry!

I went to spend my gift card - at a major department store. I wish Mr. Indi could come with me - I cried because he can't. I found a couple of things that suited my needs and went to a cash register to pay. I stood in line for at least 15 minutes while the shop clerk tried to help some silly cow whose credit card didn't work! GRRR! I finally got cheesed off and went to another cash register and got behind another stupid cow who was trying to return goods without any tags on them! GRRRR! Altogether, I spent 30 minutes waiting in line. I left the store in a rage and got stuck in traffic on the way home. Mr. Indi got his lunch an hour late today - I didn't get anything to eat till 3:00 pm - after I had changed diapers - emptied the rubbish - put a load of stuff in the dryer - and folded a load of dry stuff.

I am tired - fed up - cheesed off! But, yesterday I made a lovely potato salad and so tonight will be an easy dinner - cold meat, potato salad and green salad with ranch dressing. YUM! No cooking.

Another pic of a yellow rose - and now I'm off to open the Bailys. And if people think I drink too much - Oh well - I also work too hard!

Well, That Won't Work!

I thought that I would get at least a little bit of rest when the carer started work today - 4 hours to spend by myself. However - the carer couldn't come (after I called her twice) because she was having sinus problems! Oh, bloody well - I don't give a big rip about your sinus problems - in this area - at this time of the year - everybody has sinus problems. All of the acacia and jacaranda trees are starting to bloom and everybody that I know has a stuffed up schnoz and a headache. Tough! I have told her not to bother coming at all. I thought in this economy that an unemployed person would jump at the chance for a bit of dosh - I guess not.

So, it's back to square one!

The nurses aide - Blanca - has a lead that she is going to follow up for me. A lady with kids in school who is looking for the type of hours that I am offering. I hope to get a phone call later today.

Mr. Indi doesn't feel so good - and I have the awful feeling that things are going bad. He is piddling like a racehorse (when I got up this morning, the catheter bag had almost exploded!) He is terribly thirsty and has awful back spasms. He also is covered in heat rash - even though I have the A/C on. Grrrr!

Each day, he loses more of his ability to move and to help me change his diaper. And, each day - I get more and more tired - so that at some point the twain shall meet! LOL - My arms will give out at the same time his body gives out! Hey Ho! For better or worse.

A friend of mine heard about my plight with the lack of Vandermint yummy liqueur and felt sorry for me! She couldn't find it either but bought me a bottle of Orange Muscat sweet wine. It sure is yummy - much better than that stinkin' Advocaat!

Thanks to all of you for advice - NOW - let me set a few things straight.

Mr. Indi and I HATE champagne!

I can't eat strawberries because of the seeds - they might get my diverticulitis going!

Our health plan only covers 2 hospice homes - one is 45 miles to the west and the other is 50 miles to the east.

My health plan only allows me one week of respite every six months - the six months isn't up- yet.

But - I love you all for caring.

Now - I must be off to make some yummy potato salad and to BBQ a lump of dead cow!

The pic is from a lovely bunch of flowers -Pink is one of my favorite colors.

Don't Buy Advocaat!

It's Wednesday already and I just haven't had the chance to sit down for half an hour and write the blog - so this will be a catch-up post.

Mr. Indi is doing OK - although becoming more confused. He has trouble distinguishing between his dreams and reality. I guess morphine really messes with your brain - BUT it keeps the pain under control and that is the main thing. I am still averaging 5 diaper changes a day! ARGGGGG! My poor old elbows are so painful and my arthritis pills don't seem to be working as well as they did. I think I may have to up the dose - will check with my doc. Either that or drink more Baileys!

Speaking of drink - At Christmas time, I bought a bottle of a mint chocolate liqueur called Vandermint (made in Holland) It was bloody lovely and I had a nip before bed many a night. But, eventually the bottle ran dry - as they do! So, off I went to BevMo (the huge booze store) to restock my supply. Of course, they no longer carry it! So I wandered around the liqueur section looking for something else that would take my fancy. Well, I stumbled across a bottle of Advocaat - also made in Holland. It bought back so many memories of Christmas as a child. Ma and Pa ALWAYS had a bottle of Advocaat on the sideboard at Christmas. So I just had to get it. Hmmmmmmmmm! Big mistake. It is vile - tastes like 10/40 weight motor oil mixed with scrambled eggs. I shall have to palm it off on some unsuspecting soul! Hehe!

I think I shall start on a nice bottle of Sandeman port that is just sitting there on my booze cabinet - going to waste. That should give me some sweet dreams.

The cleaning lady came yesterday and Grannie will be most annoyed when she learns that I got up extra early - 4 a.m. - so that I could get some cleaning done before the cleaning lady showed up. Well, I don't want her to think I'm a slob, do I? She is a nice cleaning lady - but I never think that they clean as well as one does oneself. Still, the house looks reasonably presentable - just in case the Queen shows up.

I am going to hire the carer lady 0n a 4 week trial basis. I am hoping she will start tomorrow and come 2 days a week for 4 hours each. She has to call me back. It is most important that John is comfortable with her and at the moment he doesn't seem real crazy about anyone else looking after him. I'm not convinced that she is the right person - she's a bit too touchy, feely for me - AND, she never stops smiling! But, she does have the credentials and the references - so we will give her a go. Watch this space.

The picture is of my gnome who sits on the flower box on the front porch and welcomes people and laughs at them as they trip up the front steps.

Mother's Day - A Load of Crap!

Well, not because of my kids - but because I think I gave his Lordship .........WAY TOO MUCH Senakot! I spent most of the day changing diapers. T'is terribly hard on my old arms to change the diapers and sheets under a large man - but hey ho! Who said it was going to be easy? AND - when I got up at 4:30 this morning to empty his catheter bag - ARGGGGG - there was more of the same!

Life is hard - for some of us - and the rest of us just complain!

My son came to see me and give me hand. He wasn't feeling well but he did a good job of pulling out the dirty sheets from under Mr. Indi's big bum - it's easier with 2 people ! Mike also helped me with preparing drug doses and and walking up and down the hall at least one hundred times.

I wish that Mike would have been feeling better - we could have had a few drinks - but hey ho! And, I'm hoping that he is better today. I would like to have seen my granddaughters - but that didn't happen. As I said.......life's a bitch!

I had another meeting with the woman that has applied for the carer job. She is no fool (has a BS degree) - and has worked around terminal patients before. I'm not used to anyone who is so caring - open - knowledgeable - and willing to help me look after John. I cried a lot today. - Should I hire her? I don't know! I need to look after him - but I also need a little time to myself - what to do!

Each day gets harder - I dread waking up in the morning to face a diaper full of crap and a bag full of piddle! But I love John - and have to carry on.

The picture is from my Mother's Day flowers.

Mother's Day - Ker ching!

Mother's Day was always a day to look forward to when the kids were little nippers. They would bring home those lovely home made cards from school and maybe a picture made of macaroni and gold spray paint. And, they would put their arms around you and gave you a squeeze that would squash your ribs! And they would promise never to leave home because they loved you so much.

WELL, that isn't exactly the way it works out - is it?

Today, Mother's Day is the day that restaurants take their biggest till. The money rolls in all day; the card shops rack up millions of bucks, and the florists sell wilted roses for an exorbitant price. And, the kids did leave home - all grown up - with their own little nippers giving them home made cards and macaroni pictures.

I wrote this:

I am a Mom

And today is my day

A day to reflect

And a day to say

That being a Mom

Can drive you insane

But can also bring you

So much joy - that your brain

Will fill with pride

As you watch them grow

And you hold them tight

And you tuck them in - in the dark of night

And you hope that they never leave your arms

Or ever come to any harm

But, even with all the love in the world

They leave

Without a "Goodbye"

Without an "I love you."

They are gone

And being a Mom will make you cry

I think my Mother's Day will be spent, in part, at the garden center (wishing Mr. Indi could be with me) and then we shall watch a movie this afternoon.

I hope all the Moms in the world have a happy day.

Picture was taken yesterday - in the front garden. Yellow roses are my favorite.

Thanks.

Thank you for the comments that I got for yesterday's posting about the birthday of my lovely Julie.

I didn't post them because they are too sad.

For Julie xxx

My daughter, Julie, was born on May 8, 1961 at 8:30 in the morning. She died 35 years later.

My father's funeral was at 11:00 a.m on May 8, 1961 - I missed it!

Julie was born 7 weeks prematurely, after I had spent 14 weeks in the hospital with several complications from the pregnancy. She was a cute little bunny rabbit - weighing only 3lb 4 oz. And, although she was tiny, she had a great set of lungs!

Julie suffered from a very rare birth defect - Turner's Syndrome - which, among other things, affected her stature - she was always a tiny little doll. But, she was a happy soul who loved people and especially children and, although unable to conceive a child she did eventually give birth to her son through IVF and a donor egg. He was 7 when she died.

I will always miss her and her infectious giggle - Happy Birthday Jules xxxxxxxx

It All Stinks - But Hey Ho!

Well, I think I went overboard with the Milk of Magnesia and am now paying the price.

For those of you who don't have a husband who is paralysed and incontinent - read no further. T'is not a pretty sight!

Since last evening, I have done several bedpans and diapers - I have been making a study of the merits/and or/ demerits of either. I think I would rather change the diapers. But, one must be very accurate with this method or one ends up with changing bed linen - ARGGGHHHHH! However, emptying a overflowing bedpan can present it's own set of problems. I will say no more!

Nursie came this morning - she is so nice. We have long conversations about our childhood - our favorite food - good places to eat - how to make a good martini! She is a very knowledgeable nurse! She is also kind and caring.

I'm interviewing a carer tomorrow - we will have to pay - but I am hoping that she will help me with some laundry, cooking etc. She is desperate for a job - I am desperate for some help - maybe 8 hours a week will give me a breather.

Lots of tears today. Lots of tears today!

I think I will go back to my poetry. There are so many things in my head. I must put them on paper.

The picture is one that I took this afternoon. The rose is outside of his Lordship's bedroom window.

I Got a Few Smiles - and Stares!

Yesterday, I went completely round the bend and spray painted my spiky hair with day-glo orange hair color! I did it to match a pretty blouse that I bought the other day AND because I wanted to be a hip old bag! Or an old bag with a bad hip?

The result was met with mixed reviews.

When I walked into Mr. Indi's room he said, "Hmmmmm - that's different - will it wash out?"

When I went to the model shop (Mr. Indi wanted a teeny-weeny paint brush - possibly with only one sable hair!) the lad behind the counter - a pimply youth of about 17 with 4 earrings and something stuck in his nose, went into the back of the shop and I heard him telling his cohorts. "Oy, come and look at this old woman." Cheeky!

But, when I ran into my friend, Angela (who is all of about 27 years old and very up to the minute) she gasped, "WOW - that is too coooooooooooooool!"

Today, I am wearing a florescent green blouse and I do have the hair paint to match but haven't worked up the guts to do it! Maybe next week.

Several people have suggested that we have Mr. Indi's bed and all of his associated clobber moved into the living room. However, it just wouldn't be feasible in this old house. The living room is at the back of the house and the only view is the garden where I suppose his Lordship could watch the grass grow. On the the other hand, his bedroom faces the street and he can watch the comings and goings of the neighbors - the garbage men - the postman - and he can see me as I drive up the street! He likes the action! LOL. Also, the living room is at one end of the house and my bedroom is at the other end - I don't know if I would hear him if he called for me in the middle of the night. Anyway, thanks for all of the suggestions.

Along with being the head cook and bottle washer around here - I also have to keep track of all of Mr. Indi's meds - AND, he takes lots of meds. I notify the nurse when we are running low and she will place the order with the pharmacy who then deliver the drugs to the house. I gave her my order the other day - ibuprofen 400mg - and she ordered something completely different. It's a good thing I'm not on the Baileys all day! Mr. Indi would be long gone!

I just got a statement from the insurance company for Mr. Indi's home hospice. This outfit is getting over $5000 a month. WHAT! I'm doing all the bloody work! I think I should get a cut - 50% would do!

The picture is of my highly poisonous oleander - although I don't eat much of it! It's actually against the law to own oleander bushes in this town - it kills horses. But I don't have a horse so please don't call the cops!

On My Bike - And Off it!

Yesterday, I received a phone call from a person who is a volunteer with a certain charity - that I will not mention. She had heard about Mr. Indi's plight and offered to come and sit with him while I get on about my business. WELL, maybe I'm just tired or grumpy BUT - the offer to COME AND SIT WITH HIM got right up my nose.

I WANT TO SIT WITH HIM!!!!!!

If people want to volunteer - please offer to cook a meal and do all the washing up so that I can sit with my dying husband! Please offer to do some laundry or some ironing (underwear excluded!) so that I can sit with my husband. Please offer to water my garden or fertilize my potted plants so that I can sit with my husband. I am up at 4:30 each day emptying his catheter bag and from then on it is go, go, go. I finally sit with him in the evening after dinner for a little while.

Yes, there are times that I need a babysitter - if I am going to be gone from the house for longer than an hour - and I am ever grateful for that. I am also grateful to the people who do help me out with actual chores - yesterday Enrique came and washed my cars - lovely man. But please, don't offer to sit with Mr. Indi - I want to do that job!

Now that I have probably offended a few people - I'll get off my bike!

Today is Cinco De Mayo (5th of May) a big celebration in Southern California - home to many many Mexicans. Many people believe that it is Mexican Independence Day - WRONG! It is the celebration of the defeat of the French Army - by a much smaller Mexican Army - at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. It is also the number one excuse to go out and have a few brewskis - Dos XX being the cerveza of choice! I might indulge at lunch time!

On a very happy note - I received a lovely email from a man named Mark Mcclure who has been following my blog. He has written about me and Mr. Indi on his web page and I feel very humble. Thank you Mark - you are too kind!

http://markmccluretoday.com/light-and-shadow

Today's picture is of some flowers!

Long Ago and Far Away!

T'was 48 years ago today that me dear old Dad died. So I thought that my family would like to see this picture of Ma and Pa on their wedding day. Mother never did remarry - even though she was only 37 when Pa died - not to say she didn't have a bit of the old slap and tickle! I am certain that she did! But - I'll never tell!

The weekend here was pleasant - nice weather - but a heatwave is coming on Thursday s0 I shall have to get my bikini out of storage - NOT!

My son came and helped me prune the bougainvillea - boy, what a job that was. AND, the bougainvillea has the most wicked of thorns that shredded his arms to bits! Grrr. After all our hard work, we went out for a lovely steak dinner - I was really in the mood for a lump of dead cow - Mooooooo - very rare and very tender. Yum!

Mr. Indi didn't feel so hot this weekend. He was very lethargic and didn't have much of an appetite - but he has perked up today and is feeling a little better - especially after Blanca gave him a lovely bath.

And - so starts another week.

Bob!

Here is a picture of the latest occupant of our little hick town! Yes, it's BOB and he is standing outside of the latest Bob's Big Boy Burger joint that has just opened near my house. For those of you who don't already know - Bob's Big Boy is an icon of burger joints here in California and I think this is the first new Bob's to be built in years.

Mr. Indi keeps wanting me to drive over to Bob's and pick up burgers for dinner - BUT - I shan't be going near the place (other than to take pictures, of course) because the novelty hasn't worn off yet and the crowds are 20 deep waiting in line. I don't need a burger that bad!

I forgot that yesterday, May 1, was the 3 year anniversary of the day that me and him gave up the baccy! No more coffin nails! I am still very proud as we did it cold turkey - no patches - no pills - nothing but will power. And, t'weren't easy for someone who smoked 50-60 a day! I would still like a smoke once in a while but the urge soon passes. My only problem is that I have been plagued with mouth ulcers since I quite smoking and the doctor says that, while this is not uncommon, there is nothing one can do about it! Pffft!

Mr. Indi doesn't miss the cigs at all and in fact the smell of smoke makes him feel sick. So, in lieu of a smoke he has started to have a drink each night before bed - Nursie says it won't hurt him to have one. Sometimes it's a Baileys and sometimes it's a Bud - and it certainly helps him to nod off!

I had a lovely visit with beautiful granddaughter yesterday and we were able to find a very pretty necklace for her to wear to the Junior Prom tonight. She will be the Belle of the Ball, I'm sure. She did very well driving down to my house on the freeway - especially on a Friday afternoon - she only got a little bit lost and soon corrected her mistake. I don't know if I could have driven the Los Angeles freeways at 16 years of age - I still get scared - so I drive wiv me eyes closed!

Note to Grannie - No, I don't iron me knickers - but Anjo the Banjo does! Please go over and bash her up the earole!

Note to DTR - Wot yow tawkin about? Wolver'ampton's luverly in the spring! Almost as nice as Dudley!

Note to everyone - Love you all!

Hicksville!

Where else in the world do you have ornamental wrought iron figures on your lampposts? These are in a new little shopping arcade just down the road from my house. There are several different figures and I will post more at a later time. I think they are kinda cute. But - maybe I'm a hick!

Mr. Indi had to have his catheter changed yesterday. I stayed away from the proceedings because I didn't want to hear any crying or writhing in pain BUT instead of agonizing moans, I heard lots of laughing and giggling coming from his room! I couldn't imaging what he and Nursie were getting up to! Well, it turns out that she had inserted the catheter without using the lubricating gel. However, she is so good at it that neither Mr. Indi nor she even noticed until everything was in place! So - they were both having a good laugh about it. Well, you have to laugh at something - don't you?

When Blanca, the nurses aide who bathes his Lordship, came the other day, she caught me in the middle of doing the ironing. She could not believe that I was ironing sheets and pillow cases. she said (in her wonderful Salvadoran accent) "Oh NO - my poor mother was made to iron sheets by her grandmother in El Salvador and that is why she ran away to the United States!" Well, I wonder if she asked for political asylum - based on the cruelty of ironing sheets. I think I'm going to stop ironing mine - before I get some ideas of running away! To Bermuda!

I am going out with my granddaughter this afternoon. She is 16 and has just passed her drivers test. But, according to sources in the know - while she is a very good driver - just like her Mommy and her Nanny - she has no sense of direction. Yikes! If you never hear from me again it is because we took a wrong turn and drove off the planet!

Today is May 1 and Mr. Indi's b'day is coming up in a couple of weeks. I would like to give him a little party but don't know how to organize a parade of friends and family through his little room. I shall have to give it some thought. Any suggestions? He can only stay out of bed and in the wheelchair for about 1/2 hour at the most.

Well, off to the coal face again - I have more pillowcases to iron!